Are You Too Nice?
- No rush…
- When you get a chance…
- Do you think you could…?
- Are you busy?
- Would you do me a favor?
- Sorry about [the short notice, adding to your workload, etc.]
- …just…
- …only…
Do you find yourself using these phrases with your staff on a regular basis?
Even (an overused) “please” can sneak up on you, making you look weak, apologetic, and indecisive.
With one supervisor, I fought back against this talk. Did my boss really think I was that incompetent or slow, or was it her own problem? “No problem, right away” was my constant response. I even told her straight out more than once, “I work for you. Not when I get a chance, when you get a chance!”
Most employees won’t be so kind. You think you’re overworking me? Okay! That means I can do less! And you’ve created a productivity-sucking monster. By being “nice.”
“Listen, friend,” I once said, joking with another former boss. He looked at me funny, then very sharply said, “You are not my friend.” At the time, I was offended. I mean, we were kidding around—what a time to go serious! (A few months later I asked him about it. “Remember that time….” Nope. He didn’t recall.)
I never forgot it, and I’ve continued to learn from and teach with that offhand zinger since then. He was right, and I knew it. That’s why it hurt. Your boss is not your friend.
Break free from the Big Suck
So if you’re the boss, how do you get out of this trap?
1. Say it out loud. Here’s the policy, I’ve gotten away from it. You are not my friend.
2. Stop apologizing. You pay folks to do what needs to be done. Period.
3. Grow balls. There’s no other way to say it. If you’re a wimp, your staff will walk all over you, costing your company time and money. It’s human nature to take liberties when we know we can, so end it today. You aren’t running a business to make friends with your staff.
Would you do me a favor? I was wondering if you have “nice” phrases that create a productivity-sucking monster in your workplace? I’m only looking for a comment or two…
UGH! Sound off below. How does “nice”—yours or others’—mess up your productivity? What’s it all about?
Grow and be well,
Kelly Erickson
P.S. If you’re a solopreneur thinking “this one’s not about me,” think again. These same phrases come out in your writing and your conversations with friends, family, and suppliers, and they convince people you aren’t headed for the big time. Because you seem to think that about yourself. You are still the head of your growing company, even if you have only you to manage right now. You’ll never need step 1, if you make steps 2 and 3 part of your day now.
P.P.S. “Just.” It’s the one that I have to watch out for. As in, “I just need,” or “I was just thinking.” When Kelly goes wimpy and waffly, “just” is usually close by. Just don’t point it out, okay?
If you enjoyed this post, please Subscribe (it's free!) 
Comment 
Share
Trackback 
31 July 2008, 9:57 am
Oh boy…you are going to get the squirmers on this one I bet. I can feel the squirm. The very first person I ever hired as a manager ( long, long, long time ago) I made the mistake of becoming best friends with. Note: You can’t be best friends with your employee. NOT in a family business or in any business. Wendi learns everything the hard way. I won’t fill in all the gory details…it was ugly. But I learned and I don’t make the same mistakes twice…there are lots more different ones to make.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post…A Lighthouse in the Storm
31 July 2008, 10:04 am
I think I might be guilty of this. I hate asking people for stuff and I’m afraid of being selfish, especially since I seem to be a monopolizer of conversations, which makes me feel horrible when I realize it. I’m trying to become more aware of what others need. At the same time, I think I’m pretty intuitive and giving. But generally, I think I do use “just” and try to soften demands. There’s a time for that, too, I think, but yes, if you do it too much, you’ll be taken advantage of…
steph’s last blog post…Tagline Tag
31 July 2008, 10:06 am
PS. I am great friends with my clients, but I have never been great friends with a boss. We have joked and got along, but never been actual friends.
steph’s last blog post…Tagline Tag
31 July 2008, 10:25 am
That’s precisely why I don’t like to be the boss. That is just so NOT ME (unless I was the boss of myself…but that’s a whole other story)
I woudln’t mind being the 2nd-in-command. Perhaps a Sergeant-at-Arms, to help lead a group. But let someone else be the Grand Poo-Bah (not me!)
Friar’s last blog post…Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor
31 July 2008, 10:40 am
What totally makes me disrespect bosses is when they’ve swallowed the Corporate Pill and become Rah-Rah-Rah Company Men. They no longer stand up for you, instead they Quote the Gospel according to Procedure. And then try to get you to Assimilate with the Borg, just like they did.
I have ten times more respect for a boss who asks me to do something, because it’s part of my job. As opposed to the Borg, who TELL ME why I should love my work, and why Uncle Big Brother is always right.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick up my 20 gram chocolate ration.
Friar’s last blog post…Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor
31 July 2008, 11:43 am
I worked in the restaurant industry for many years and watched people who were “promoted from within” to become managers. It was like the seven steps of grief (or however many steps there are):
Denial – no, no, things will be just the same
Sadness – why don’t you treat me the same way?
Desperation – sure you can go home early — you’re my friend
Confusion – why can’t I let her go early, she’s my friend?
Anger – screw you all! I try to help, and all you do is walk all over me…
Acceptance – I am not your friend. Have a nice life.
It is certainly different in the corporate world, but I think it might be worse in the restaurant industry. Not only do you work with these people, but you party with them every night.
Yes, they are for the most part transitory friends, but still it is difficult.
I actually managed to be friends with my bosses for the most part, but it is usually easier when you start out in a boss/employee relationship. Going from an “equal” relationship to a boss/employee is always tougher in my opinion.
~Graham
31 July 2008, 12:10 pm
I currently make 3 times per hour running my own business than what my boss pays me. We kind of have an agreement. I do things. They get results. He doesn’t ask much. He knows I know where the door is and he has no idea how I do my job. But I did increase sales 250% over a year and half. It works for me.
Stephan Miller’s last blog post…Writing Every Day
31 July 2008, 12:30 pm
Hi Kelly,
I actually work as an Administrative Assistant for someone. so I am on the other side of the spectrum.
I find that if my boss is to-the-point with me, I feel that I have to get things done as soon as possible. If another manager (I work for 6 of them) asks me for something and dilly-dallies, I feel that I can get away with getting it done a little later.
Thanks,
Richard Rinyai
The Professional Assistant
31 July 2008, 12:55 pm
The point you made about your boss not being your friend rang true with me. That’s why IMHO, if you don’t need the bridge anymore and don’t care about burning it, don’t give your two weeks if you decide to leave.
Because you know damned well the only reason why they’d give you more than 30 seconds notice is because it is in a contract somewhere.
It’s all a sham, the nice boss, and the flip side of it too – unless you really want to get ahead in Company X, why bother going the extra mile working overtime?
Your boss will say, “good job” and so forth, but screw up *once* and at performance review time, they only remember the screw up.
THAT is why your boss is not your friend.
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post…viking fridays – burn the boats.
31 July 2008, 1:45 pm
Wendi,
Looks like you were right. Squirming all around us today. I agree, no sense making those old mistakes again. New mistakes=blog post!
Steph, dear,
Yes. You might be guilty of this. You are the boss! Be decisive and roar more!
(Naturally, I mean this in the nicest way possible.)
Friar,
I don’t believe you. You know exactly what you want and what you don’t want. I’ll bet you are a productivity whiz at work (with the things that are under your control) whether you want to be or not.
Graham,
Another restaurant escapee right here, and you brought back a few memories. That’s an angle I hadn’t considered, but you are sooo right. Promotion from within does make it harder. Probably makes it even more important to break free from being too “nice,” though. If there’s an industry where Productivity Suck is rampant, foodservice is it.
Stephan,
Sounds like a good leader. If he trusts his own hiring skills, he should get out of the way and let you work your magic.
Welcome and thanks for your comment!
Richard,
Glad to have your thoughts on this. Welcome!
My experience exactly. If the boss waffles, the employee knows that’s the job to fit in “whenever.” It doesn’t make you feel like a critical link in the chain, but more like a cog, which may lead to Brett’s dilemma…
Brett,
Well, I certainly hope that folks working for me will give their two weeks’, and my point was not that you can’t be as kind and understanding and fun as your personality really is, but that leading is not about becoming so close that you forget to lead.
Now, if I had some of the upper management that you have to deal with, with no understanding at all, that’s different. They’re slowing down productivity in a whole different way, and I think it’s a crime.
Funny that both ends of the spectrum cause employees to cease taking ownership of their company’s fate. Okay, not funny…
Friar, get this man a nice Newcastle or something tonight. (& you too!)
Regards,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 1:50 pm
@Brett
There are reasonably nice bosses (remember we both worked for one…once)? But those are so few and a far between. And one nice boss sometimes can’t quite make up for a whole dysfunctional work environment.
@Kelly
Another thing (if you’re in business for yourself) is to watch how you mix your friends with your work. If they’re your client, then they’re YOUR boss. And this itself can open up a whole can of worms.
I had some friends who wanted to commission me to do some artwork for them. We didnt’ agree on any set price, we figure we’d “work it out”.
Big mistake. I ended up doing 5-6 hours of work for free,which they let slide and conveniently forgot about.
If these hadnt’ been friends, I’d have gone after than and demanded payment. As it stands, I’m a little miffed at the whole thing. (I don’t think they did this maliciously, but it was still inconsiderate).
So what did I gain by this? NOTHING, except aggravation.
Next time, I’ll think twice next time a friend wants to “hire me”. I don’t need the money that badly.
Friar’s last blog post…Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor
31 July 2008, 2:03 pm
Friar,
Friends and nonprofits. “Oh, what do we need a piece of paper for? We’ll work it out.”
Because I don’t like to make the same mistakes twice. (See response to Wendi.) No blog post from being a dodo!
Very close family, I’ll work for forever without a scope or a contract. Did my mother ask what the scope of making dinner for sixteen years was? Did my Dad ask for a contract before getting me braces? Nope.
Other than that, we need rules.
Even if you aren’t charging them (which you were trying to), they need to see details of the project—what you’ll do and how long it’ll take you—AND a price on paper, which you can strike through and write no charge. If you seem to be treating it casually, you can bet they will, too. Ooh, I know. “Nice” is a real troublemaker.
Until later,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 2:09 pm
I learned this lesson about 18 years ago. A few years into my first business, I hired my first employee and she worked with me in my home. We became very good friends, she even brought her son to work every day, we were buds. At least I thought so. One day I received a dear john letter from her resigning with absolutely no notice. It was the day our sons entered first grade. It became immediately apparent to me that she stayed because it was convenient. There had been several times that work quality issues came up with clients. I overlooked things because of our friendship that I should not have. I was deeply hurt but in hind sight it was a good time to learn keep business and personal relationships separate. It makes the hard decisions much easier to follow through with and you become a better leader as a result.
Donna Amos’s last blog post…“What If” – Making the Transition to Self-Employment
31 July 2008, 2:09 pm
Kelly,
Oh for sure, I agree with you too. (And as Friar’s said) I’ve worked for some really great bosses in smaller companies, and I gave more than two weeks. For one of them, I gave tech support by phone for almost 6 months when they needed help with their database.
My point was strong, for sure, and if given respect, I give it back. I only meant to say there is another side to it, the employee’s side.
And if my boss said to me, “I’m not your friend”, of course I’d understand. As long as he understood that there’d be no unpaid favours from me.
Brett Legree’s last blog post…viking fridays – burn the boats.
31 July 2008, 2:25 pm
Donna,
I have to agree. Though I’ve had bosses and staff that I thought the world of, it is a lot harder to lead when you make too many apologies for being in charge. Why apologize? If you don’t run the best darned business you can, nobody gets paid. If staff doesn’t do the best darned work they can, nobody gets raises. The difference being, for the staff, they move on to another paycheck if it goes to hell. For you… (let’s not go there, eh?).
Thanks for your comment, and welcome to MCE!
Brett,
I fully appreciate both your strong POV, and your incredibly respectful nature when and to whom it’s warranted.
That particular boss is someone I joked with from the very first day I met him. He has an awesome sense of humor, and I worked my butt off for him. He meant no harm, just felt the need to clarify. I took it in that light.
Until later,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 4:17 pm
I don’t use the ‘Would you mind approach’. Instead I say ‘this is what needs to be done, and it needs to be done by such and such a day. Based on your current workload, can you meet that date’. My staff know to give me an honest answer. If they say they can make it, I expect them to make it. If they say they can’t, we talk about what workload they have and whether they can shift priorities, or whether I need to reassign work. Am I friends with my staff..no…friendly..always!
@Friar – oh, I am so with you on this one. Especially since I work in the government. I am sorry, but 90% of what we do is beaurocratic bull. We all know that, we all accept that. Please do not try and tell me any differently. I will not respect you for it.
Urban Panther’s last blog post…Truly it’s all about making him happy
31 July 2008, 5:07 pm
@Urban Panther,
Oh yes. Friar & I are essentially “government” and it can be quite frustrating. Bureaucracy gone insane. Just before I went on vacation, I had to issue a document. Document finished, signed off. Except we had given it the wrong document number initially, and had to change it. The procedure to change the number – insane. The software used for document control – flawed beyond imagination.
Everyone running around saying, “it’s not done until the number is correct”. Finally, I said, “I don’t care – the software is screwed, the procedure is flawed, and as far as I’m concerned, the document is done. Enjoy the next two weeks.”
When process and procedure are more important than results, you know there’s a problem…
(Sorry, a bit O/T…)
But back on-topic – yes, that’s the way to do it – say “this is what we need to do, by this day – can you do it?”
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post…viking fridays – burn the boats.
31 July 2008, 7:15 pm
Urban Panther,
Friends, no. Friendly, yes. Exactly. And I love your phrasing. No bull, let’s just get things done—even bureaucratic annoying things, if need be. *sigh*
Brett,
I love a good procedure. Little companies are often in desperate need of them. But the bigger the maze you work in, it seems the fewer “good” procedures, and the more procedures in general. Such a shame, so un-empowering for employees.
No being “sorry” on this post, my friend. Not today!
Until later,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 7:39 pm
There is nothing like clarity and firmness in a work situation. Look at any French Cordon Bleu kitchen and you will see very clearly how a defined heirarchy can get results. Oh , heck, just watch Ratatouille.
Friar,
I have a “friends and family discount”. Up front, percent off. Then I proceed to tell them as soon as the fifty per cent deposit (on the total price) is received “to make it official”, I can get to work, “put it on my schedule.” I tell them the rest is due when it is finished. No check, no art. I do not let them have the work until I have the cash. Saves lots of hard feelings. And it saves a lot of grief to figure all this out right now. Before the next time. So you have a “policy” in place. Then you can refer to your policy.
Janice Cartier’s last blog post…Seashells or Dalmations?
31 July 2008, 8:04 pm
Janice,
LOL. Ratatouille was relatively accurate, wasn’t it? I was impressed with that.
Referring to the policy is the very best idea. Then it’s not you. It’s “the policy.” Works magic on tender family/ friends’ feelings.
Ditto procedures, in small business. I’m not being a jerk saying we have to wash the floors of the restaurant nightly (or whatever), it’s “the procedure.” Though clearly, it doesn’t always scale up that well.
Until later,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 8:11 pm
Exactly. See proceedure, policy, mission statement any of those. Works really well.
Now I have to watch Ratatouille again. “Just” cause I want to.
Janice Cartier’s last blog post…Seashells or Dalmations?
31 July 2008, 9:49 pm
You can be damn sure that whenever you tell an employee ‘Do This!’ and he answers ‘Right away’, in his head he is probably saying ‘right away dipshit! I can probably do your job 100% better than you can’. This is usually not the way to build respect from your employees. Respect is acquired, not imposed. Again, transparency (to a certain degree) is key. Staff will feel more in tune if they have a better idea of the ‘Big Picture’
Urbane Lion’s last blog post…Whose gift is it anyway?
31 July 2008, 10:46 pm
Janice,
My daughter and I loved it. My niece and nephew got completely tangled in the French accents and hated the film, which made for a lot of wiggling and complaining while we were all at the theatre together. *sigh* I should rent it so we can see it again without the wigglers.
Urbane Lion,
LOL!
Transparency, big picture, respect. All very true. It’s when you go past respect, to the “nice” zone, that things get messy. You think you’re avoiding stepping on people’s toes, but you’re really eroding their respect for you.
So nice to see you here. Welcome to MCE!
Regards,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 11:09 pm
@Kelly
I agree with Brett. Procedures are all well and good…I’m a reasonable man, I realize they’re necessary. But some of the insanity we put up with goes FAR beyond any rationality….it’s hard to explain, unless you actually see it first hand. But I can tell you I know where Brett is coming from, and he’s perfectly justified in feeling the way he does.
@Janice
I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with commission work. I’m starting to rapidly discover that I don’t like it. As soon as I start painting or drawing something based on what someone ELSE wants…it becomes WORK and it loses all spontaneity and fun.
I don’t need the money that badly (art is not my day job), so I think in the future I might pass on commissions (but if anyone wants to buy any of the work I already have, they’re most welcome to do so).
That being said, I just sold my FIRST painting in a local gallery last week. (All my other sales to date have been private, based on word-of-mouth). HOORAY!
Friar’s last blog post…Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor
31 July 2008, 11:26 pm
Friar,
Yippee!! That is so cool. Congratulations!
(Aren’t you supposed to be out drinking right now?)
And what am I doing up?
G’night, Friar.
Later,
Kelly
31 July 2008, 11:33 pm
Kelly,
Friar’s lame-assed friend went home because the “black ‘n whites” are out in force tonight, and he was too lazy to walk home – so hitting his limit, he decided to git while the gittin’ was good…
^ ^
. .
^
o
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post…viking fridays – burn the boats.
31 July 2008, 11:44 pm
I’ve worked for a push over and I have to admit that its hard to discipline myself when you have a no rush, do what you kind boss.
Angie’s last blog post…After the MeetUp, Now What?
31 July 2008, 11:48 pm
Friar -BIg Congrats!!!!!! Very cool that.
G’night everyone. I was just over at THe Friar’s apparently “planning my wedding”. Sheesh, never know what is up over there.
That was very wise of you, Brett. dancing down the center line in your toe shoes would have been another choice…:)
Janice Cartier’s last blog post…Seashells or Dalmations?
1 August 2008, 7:18 am
Brett, Janice, talk amongst yourselves. Oh. You did. Better lame than, well, lame. Glad the friend is also wise.
Angie,
Isn’t it the truth! The boss who I had to keep reminding who was the boss? I’m no angel. I found myself worrying less and less about hustling for her, while still trying to help her see what she was doing. I’d already been in management positions and I was shocked at how she constantly offered disincentives—even worse shocked that they worked on me.
Until later,
Kelly
1 August 2008, 1:13 pm
I’m definitely guilty of being too nice (if I may be conceited enough to say so)! I lack, just as one of your suggestions, the balls to be enforcive. I always feel like a prick if I be too commanding, but I know that is not the case.
It has also led me into non-paying jobs for friends, like Friar. At the time, I just felt I couldn’t ask for reimbursement without threatening the friendship. I’ve definitely learned my lesson
@Friar, Congrats!!
Nathan Egelhof’s last blog post…An Unexpected Source of Love
1 August 2008, 2:15 pm
Nathan,
Welcome and thanks for your comment!
That’s a harsh way to learn the lesson but I suspect almost everyone has had the opportunity to learn it. The question is, do we learn it?
I was inspired to write this post by a few owners I know of locally who are banging their heads against the same wall over and over again, not learning the lesson. It troubles and saddens me to see people threatening their own future livelihood in that way. It might give you the feeling of being surrounded by friends now, but when the ship sinks you can be sure you’ll go down alone.
Reason enough to leave “too nice” outside of the workday world.
Regards,
Kelly